Tonight, my ceiling is not my friend. Tonight, I share my thoughts with my wall. Why? Tonight, I neither want to be judged or looked down upon by anyone or anything. Tonight, I want to come to grips with my feelings, my sadness, my pain, head on.
Everyone experiences loss, It never seems real. Lord know these past few years we have had to process loss on an unimaginable scale.
Today, I lost a dear friend. We've known each other since our teenage years, when she came into my life with an unmatched & an unapologetic presence. Tall in stature with a personality that was larger than life. She had a heart of gold and a laugh that – as soon as one heard it – one needed to find out just who it was coming from. Just thinking of that laugh makes me smile instantly, even as I write this through my tears.
When I was about 16, she took me to get my first professional mani. "Pumpkin Spice". I'll never forget the color or how special I felt that day. Without even knowing it, that one act of kindness taught me the power and influence we can have on our young sisters (she was about 4 years older than me). To this day I make it a part of life to do special things for the young ladies in my life. She set the tone.
She has touched so many lives in her short time on this earth. Always gracious, always kind, always funny. She never let the world beat up on her, she never let negativity hold her back, or keep her down. Strength, resilience, positivity, drive, compassion, and beauty. All YOU my friend.
We hadn't spoken in a while. My wall won't look down on me or judge me for not calling her 2 weeks ago when she was on my mind. But what my wall IS doing, is making me come face to face with the fact that I need to be a better friend. Stop making excuses, stop letting life get in the way. Stop being too busy, too tired, too forgetful. Just stop. No fancy trip to the nail salon or spa needed. These days, it's just a touch of a button. If I had only touched the button, my friend.
When I got the news that you were in the hospital and unable to speak, I called our mom. I just wanted you to hear my voice even if you couldn't truly hear me. What I got was a gift. As sedated as you were, you kept saying my name & you told me you weren't doing too good. I'll never forget. Even in your pain, you blessed me with the gift of hearing your voice one last time... you fell asleep that night. It still doesn't feel real, I don't even want to say the words. But there you are teaching me again, without even knowing it. My friend.
I never got to visit you in your home down South, we never got to catch up over lunch and drinks the next time you came up North. We never got to kick back and reminisce about the crazy pranks you used to pull or reflect on where life has taken us over the years. That makes me so sad, but in honor of your memory, when I feel down, I'll throw on a coat of "Pumpkin Spice" and think about your beautiful smile and try to make someone happy.
I could write more and cry more. I know you wouldn't want that, but allow me to cry a little longer for your husband, your family, and your friends whose hearts are hurting deeply on this day. I say a prayer for them and for you, hoping that soon these tears of pain will be replaced by tears of joy & side-splitting laughter, when we meet again. Soon, my friend.
Just STOP. Hold your loved ones close, LOVE DEEPLY, and be a FRIEND!
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